For years, self-doubt traveled next to me like a devoted friend. I contorted and edited myself for years, reliant on the affirmation of others to lift me up and make me feel ok. It was exhausting. I built a life around me based on external appearances, attempting to please the outer world and check the boxes that led to success and happiness, but ultimately remained empty inside.
It wasn’t until I went through a divorce that I woke up to the idea that there had to be another way.
I never imagined myself divorced, and the shock of it all led me on a quest. A quest to figure out who I really was and how to live life in a more fulfilling way. Up until the time of my divorce, I really believed that in some way I was flawed and that the way to happiness was to change who I was. But now I knew that changing myself and putting all of my energy into trying to ensure those around me were happy was a recipe for disaster and an impossible feat all together.
I was introduced to the idea that my happiness and well-being were my responsibility.
This was mind-blowing after experiencing a roller coaster of emotions dependent on the people and circumstances around me. While it felt like a big job to take responsibility for my own well-being, I felt liberated and inspired by the idea that I had some realm of control over my life and happiness for the first time.
It was at that moment in time that I pulled out a journal.
I began pouring out thoughts. At first it was clunky and awkward, and even on the pages of my own private journal I found myself wanting to sound different, be a better writer, be somebody more impressive than I was.
I resisted the process, discounted it because nothing was happening – but something bigger kept insisting that I show up and write anyway. Until one day, something different danced across the page. It captured my attention immediately. It only appeared for a moment and then it was gone, but the flicker was enough to keep me writing. I couldn’t wait to see it again and over time, it showed up more and more. I liked the voice that was coming through. It felt real and pure.
This voice I became close with, was the *real me* that had been hiding out for years feeling like she had to be better, different, or more. She was there all along, but I had shushed and pushed it aside for so long she stopped trying to say anything at all. I gave myself a little bit of time each day to journal and little by little this very small voice grew bigger, and stronger, and with time, spilled over into my everyday life. As I gave her a space, she began to reveal herself more and more.
Eventually, I came to know this voice as my own on the pages of my journal.
So how did I allow my real voice to reveal herself?
I didn’t realize at the time, but I was allowing my true voice to come through by clearing away all the noise and debris that clouded the view to my real self. When we pull away the clutter we will find the imperfectly, perfect design that God created us to be. It was here that I found my own resistance, harsh judgement and criticism begin to subside.
We often try to be something more or better in life, but when we actually rest in who we are we find that everything we were craving is far closer than we realized.
Since this time….journaling has become a daily ritual that I can do again and again to get clear and rooted to navigate my day. It reminds me of who I am and what is most important. With this foundation, I can create a plan for my day and return again and again for renewed clarity and direction.
My mission when I started journaling was to get to know myself and to find a “different way” of doing life. What happened on the pages of my journal was the beginning of that and far more.
Journaling, for me, has become a tool to help design an intentional marriage, work through who I wanted to be as a mom, explore, savor and challenge overwhelming moments, talk to God, build a heart-centered business, and listen again and again for who I am called to be in the face of what’s happening around me.
I am confident you can design and shape powerful intentions in your life.
Today, journaling is a core component within my coaching programs and a tool I’m compelled to share with others. I have a vision in my heart where people are struggling less and living more. My intention when I work with you is not to change you, but to help you clear away that which is not you. This turns up the volume on what is YOU, connecting you more deeply with the passion and purpose that is already within you. From here what emerges is your innate ability to lead your life with clarity, peace and confidence.
